How I'm Doing

I was asked yesterday on Facebook "how are you doing?" I spent the rest of the evening thinking that I guess I haven't been asked that because I didn't know how to respond. The last several months have been filled with change and change is good...if not always easy.

Since being on my own I have faced several challenges...leaking sprinkler, dead car battery, overcharges on bills, flooded basement, dog eaten hot tub cover, flat tire..to name a few. On the flip side, however, I have a beautiful home, have spent time with my family, met new friends, seen moose elk bear goats and sheep, and covered mile after wonderful mile in a state that makes my heart sing.

For example...after work yesterday I drove up to Logan Pass in Glacier for a hike. Really! Who gets to jaunt up to Glacier National Park after work to go on a hike??? Experiences like this make it all worth "it". I'm exploring on my own and finding out who I am, what I'm capable of....and sharing with my girls experiences in independence, strength, beauty, and love.

I'd like to share a few of my shots from my hike:

I actually had to hug the side of a rock wall to let this guy pass me on the trail. Maybe it was a girl...

I like how he/she looked at me the whole time as we passed.

You can see the Going to the Sun HWY below.

The flowers right now are in full bloom.

I'm so use to things being burned and brown by August.

Beautiful!

I wanted to get a shot of me...not sure why.

This was set up on a rock...it's funny seeing yourself when you are normally behind the camera.

Actually I like this self-portrait best!

My goat friend was waiting on my return trip.

I about jumped out of my skin rounding the corner to my car and finding this one licking the bumper!

I scared the poor thing by jumping two feet in the air but he came right back.

I'm on this journey called life and I'm trying to make good choices for me and for those that I love. That doesn't mean its all easy or that I don't spend days on the verge of tears. It just means that I have optimism and joy. So, that's how I am. . . I'm a roller coaster of happy sad scared excited optimistic . . . you name it.

Thanks for asking, Jenny...you made me reflect and think...really think!

"I'm going to do a triathlon before I'm 40!"

This picture pretty much tells it all...I had no clue what I was getting myself into when I said I wanted to do a triathlon around Halloween last year.

I started training mostly to relieve some stress and I became convinced I could complete a "sprint" triathlon this Spring.

Mondays = run and lift

Tuesdays = cycle and run

Wednesdays run and lift

Thursdays = cycle and run

Fridays = swim

This was my plan since running hurts me and scares me I thought I'd better do it the most. Since swimming is comfort food for me I though I'd do it the least.

My friend Patrick and I were sitting across a table drinking a beer over Thanksgiving break when I told him my grand plan and he decided he need a focus too. So, here we are 6 months later at the finish line.

It starts with a swim

Note to self: next time don't forget your goggles in the hotel room

then you "run" outside to the transition station

Note to self: next time train more for the swim

and take off on your bike

Note to self: thank Lucy for teaching me how to do a farmers blow!

This was the most fun part for me. I thoroughly enjoyed the ride down Blue Mountain Road.

Between the bike and run I took my sweet time changing shoes and powering up with a Hammer Gel.

nasty

It took about a mile for me to get my running legs.

Pat peed behind a bush along his run and got a tick!

Note to Pat: use the restroom before the race...twice

I finished the run!

I did it without crying!

It was an experience of a lifetime that I will never forget...my first triathlon with one of my first friends.

Special thanks to our photographer for making these memories permanent in our old brains.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first sprint triathlon!  I'm awake and nervous and looking at the map.

It's a 500 yard swim...easy peasy.
Then a 12.41 mile ride...harder, but not too scary.

Then a 5k run...this is what is keeping me up tonight! OMG! There is a half mile 6% grade in there!


Ok, I need sleep...I need more than sleep but that's all I can do for tonight.
More to follow tomorrow...

Ever Wonder

Do you ever wonder about habits?

What your hands do when your not paying attention? Your eyes? Your feet? You?

When I'm walking on the hill among tall grass...or along fence lines with weeds...I find myself doing this.

I pull the seeds.
I've been pulling seeds since I was a little girl.

It's like blowing a dandelion.
I know it's spreading seeds...yet I don't care.
My hands do it...I can't stop them.

Pull, bend, break, scatter.

It helps me think.
I feel close to nature.
I just can't stop.

What else?
What else do I do without thinking?
Is it something to think about or just let go?

Climb On!

Does it give my heart a lurch when I see them climbing up there?

Sure.

As a Mom do I want to tell them to get down?

You bet.

Am I proud?

Totally.

Do I tell them to just open the gate?

Nope.

Does it make me smile?

Absolutely.

Am I a little jealous?

Sorta...

Does it make me reminisce?

Oh ya!

Simple words for simple pleasures.

My day was full of them...was yours?

Perception

I have this friend...a really smart friend...who tells me that our perception creates our reality.

What the hell does that mean, anyway?

That's what I've been struggling with lately but during this morning's workout a light bulb went off.

The stories we tell ourselves define our reality...right?

I've been telling myself that nobody wants to know my story right now...nobody needs to know...nobody would understand.  The fact of the matter is...I don't get to decide that!  I get to put my story out there because I need to write, talk, blog, journal...be me.  This blog has been my journal and I've missed it because its been my perception that nothing is going on that anyone needs to know about.  

I can only speak for myself.  

I can only think for myself.  

I can choose to be happy.

I can choose to embrace change.

I can think...oh yes, there is no way to turn off this runaway brain...but I can think positively.

Today...I choose to perceive that people

care

are interested

need to know

will understand

I choose to start putting it out there again...my heart, my thoughts, myself.

What does that mean?  It means that I'm making a conscious effort to blog again, to tell the Bug's Story no matter what it involves. It's a new year everyone...and its going to be a great one, no matter what, because that is how I'm going to perceive it...as an adventure!

Influence

I'm in Montana again...finding long lost friends...finding comfort...finding myself.  There were several people on my list I wanted to see, one of which was this man, Mr. McKinnon.

My friend Tricia and I surprised Bob by showing up at my grandmother's assisted living placed where he was playing the banjo.  Little did I know I'd be spending the entire afternoon and evening with him and his wife Suzy.

So, I've had this writer's block lately...can't think of a fun, funny, happy, interesting, worthwhile thing to write about in this blog.  Now all of a sudden, today, I have so much to say about this one person and it's wrapped up in one word...influence.

I can't begin to count the hours that I spent in this man's company.  I started swimming when I was 5. I swam competitively until I was 18...hours and hours spent at the pool, playing mini-golf at his house, admiring his greyhounds, reading his books, on buses driving across Montana listening to him and my mom play the banjo for us, ravishing food at restaurants after races....all with Bob.  The thing is, there were loads of us...Gus's Guppies...Bob's swimmers...our team.  All of us have been influenced by this man in ways that I don't think we can even begin to understand.  And we cared what the ole meanie thought whether we liked it or not!

I remember Bob pulling a kid out of the pool by his hair when he was goofing off.
I remember him throwing money for us to fetch off the bottom of the pool.

I remember the way he would eat apples with his hair sticking up all over the place at practice.

I remember him smoking cigarettes out the side door.

I remember his laugh, his music, his yell.

Another thing...Bob knew!

Knew when someone had it in them to be better.

Knew when someone was cheating themselves.

Knew when we could win...just knew.

Through all this...all this time...I never really trusted that Bob liked me.  I thought he picked on me, was hard on me..ya, I know...poor me (that's what he would say).  My mom told me later in life that he was hard on me because he liked me, because he knew I could do better, because he knew I could be a better person to myself...like I said above, he just knew.

Do our parents know who is going to influence us, good or bad, when they trust us in the hands of another?  Maybe...maybe not. Do the people who influence us know how they effected our lives?  Do they care?  Do they want to know one way or another?  (can you believe I threw my kids in the pool just like Bob would have done??)

Anyhooo, I spent the evening with Bob and Suzy and I'm going to tell you where they influenced me in single words:

• humor
• health
• creativity
• strength
• music
• love
• anger
• work
• belonging

Bob, I think of you when I see my girls play the fiddle.  I think of you when I workout at the pool. I think of you when I write. I think of you when I teach. You were a huge influence on me in so many ways, through so many years and I thank you.  I would trust my children to you......what more can I say???

Come spend a day with me, Mom

I'm not able to spend Mother's Day with you.

I'm not good at picking out cards.

What I would really like to do is spend the day with you,

go shopping,

visit,

have lunch,

laugh!

Because that's not going to happen,

let's spend the day virtually together.

Walk with me, Mom, it'll be fun.

Note to self

Dear Self...

Remember when you put potato peels down the garbage disposal?

Yes, well, artichoke leaves are similar...but worse, to put down the drain.

It went like this...

eewww!

eewww!

eewww!

eewww!

eewww!

eewww!

JOE!

JOE!

Joe?

Joe...

\

eewww!

I Love...

One thing about driving so much for work, you get time to think. Today's toughts were centered around happy feelings...thoughts...things I love.

I love the way Avery's body molds into mine when she snuggles,

the way Kyndra's smile lights up the room,

that I can call my husband my friend.

I love the smell of popcorn,

fresh cut grass,

and campfire smoke.

I love the community of being "from" Montana,

and the community I have found in Oregon.

I love driving out of town and seeing the three majestic mountains

and driving into town and seeing our little valley.

I love wearing my dad's t-shirts,

sitting amongst my mom's plants,

and eating out of my parents' refrigerator.

I love drifting down a lazy river,

navigating through challenging rapids,

and sleeping next to the sound of running water.

I love burrying my face in the fur of a big dog,

walking on top of "our" hill and breathing the wind.

I love finding old photographs that make me smile!

38 Pictures

I flipped up the lid to my computer this morning

and found Lindsay online

and found this post on Bales & Tales

and 38 pictures waiting for me in a collage that she had made!

I got to celebrate my birthday again last night

at my favorite place

with my favorite people.

We listened to music,

ate great food,

drank several bottles of wine,

laughed,

played on our electronic devices,

visited,

made faces,

opened presents,

and laughed some more.

Thank you everyone

who helpled me celebrate turning 38.

Thanks for sharing your time,

your creative gifts,

and love for life.

Bump-Set-Spike

I got a e-mail this morning from Kyndra's teacher, Michelle saying "I" had a game tonight.  Two weeks ago she had a snowboarding accident that put her in a full leg cast for a month.  She was bummed about missing volleyball.  Silly me mentioned that volleyball sounded like fun...and this morning I got an e-mail saying "I" had a game tonight.

I played volleyball tonight....

and didn't know the name of my team

and didn't know one person there

and didn't know the rules

and haven't played since 8th grade (if you don't count party volleyball games and college co-ed)

and my arms are sore

and I have a smile on my face.

I'm proud...

that I did something out of my comfort zone

that I made a few points

that I didn't hurt myself too bad

that I had fun!

Go Diggers! 

(thats the name of my team I found out)

I had a Monday

I woke up this morning and got ready for work.

Little did I know I would have one of those "Mondays."

The puppies had diarrhea all over the deck (again).

The girls needed help getting dressed (again).

I was running late and in my rush I cut through my bagel (comfort food) and straight into 2 fingers!

Joe patched me up and off I went.

In my rush I forgot my phone (eeegads, a whole day without my phone).

No phone, but I did have my little camera.

I could see all 3 mountains on my way to work (Raineer, Adams, Hood)

I took this cool picture using the panoramic setting.

This is how it turned out...

I was certain I could fix it in Photoshop.

But no...it was not to be... 

Pioneer Woman says you need to have 2 exposures, one for the light and one for the dark to fix it...*sigh*.

After not helping the teacher in Umatilla (he was too busy) but helping another teacher I headed North to shop for X-Mas stuff...without my cell phone!

I was in line at Jo-Ann Fabric (to get supplies for my surprise X-Mas gift)

I needed Ronda...I couldn't call my lifeline.

I headed to Bed Bath and Beyond and my blood pressure started to rise.

Next Best Buy...uh oh, things are starting to blur over.

The Mall!  Doesn't anybody work?  

Why are all these people in the mall on a Monday?

I sat in the parking lot of Costco and watched all the people filing in and out.

I sat there for awhile.

I couldn't do it.  I put it in drive and got out of dodge.

With a full blown panic attack avoided, I headed for gas then home.

If a ballot measure would ever come up to let us pump our own gas in Oregon I would vote for it.

I think it is a handicap to have people pump your gas for so long that you forget how!

I'm from Montana for crying out loud. I know how to pump gas...well I use to.

Enough brain cells were destroyed in Best Buy and BBB that it was a huge ordeal to get the flap on the tank open and get the gas pumped into the little gray car.

I made it home.

There was no poop on the deck (Joe moved them downstairs).

I only have to return 3 things (some other day).

As I sit here writing I am ticking off the things in my head that need to be done still...

violin...

bath...

spelling words...

no exercise...

work on x-mas letter...

The good news is I wont "waste" any time on fixing that picture.

Happy Monday, everyone.   Here's to a better Tuesday!

Strange Limbo

Things are just so strange right now. My Grandpa Barrett is in hospice...we are playing this waiting game...yet life strangely goes on. I feel like I'm not doing what I "should" be doing. Not helping at all...just waiting, wondering, thinking about it constantly.

Sunday his IV was removed...Joe and I continued driving to Eugene for a meeting.

Monday he was moved to hospice...I shared professional development ideas with colleagues.

Tuesday I wanted to stand up on a chair and scream that my grandpa was dying...instead I posted an idea to the Ed Tech blog.

Wednesday I stayed home with Avery...it isn't right that her great-grandpa isn't able to see how much like me she has grown to be.

Thursday I played Grandpa's harmonica all the way to Umatilla and back...then went and watched a soccer game and movie for "girls night."

Friday....more of the same...I'm still not home holding the hands of the people I love.

Saturday...here I am...doing laundry, washing toilets, waiting.

So many times I have been witness to friends and family going through the same scenario and I didn't understand. I didn't know that their minds were completely elsewhere while they continued on with their work, raising their families, watching their children play. Right now, I really am in Montana, in thought, holding my Grandpa's hand...hugging my Mom, Grandmas, and Dad, keeping vigil over a man who had so much influence in our lives.


I love you all...thanks for "listening" to my private limbo and thanks for your prayers.

I'm not cut out for this

What's your pain level today?

Kyndra's pain level was high today.

She couldn't express it in words but she did a fine job of expressing it nonetheless.

I heard her loud and clear...she didn't feel good.

My patience level was low today.

I'm done being a nurse-maid.

I'm tired of watching her eat only Popsicle and Carnation Instant Breakfast.

We sent her to school even though today was the worst day so far.  They said it would be this way on day 3 or 4 and it was, it was by far.  I guess the local that they give during a tonsilectomy is very strong and lasts several days...it wears off on day 3 or 4.  The teacher in me felt like if she could ride a merry-go-round on Saturday she could sure as heck go to school on Monday.  Joe checked on her at lunch and gave her some medicine for the pain.  She made it through the first day back and will keep going tomorrow...I just feel guilty for making her do it...for being the enforcer.

It's 8 o'clock, the kids are in bed, I'm right behind them...tomorrow will be a better day.

Tooth Fairy

There is some excitement at our house. No...Kyndra hasn't lost a tooth...she just has her first loose tooth. I think she may be one of the last ones in her class to loose a tooth and she is pretty excited. Tonight I dug up my Tooth Fairy pillow that I used as a kid.
I want to say Mom made it but I could be wrong. Isn't she cute. You put you tooth in the pocket and that is where the Tooth Fairy leaves you some money. Anyway, guess what I found in the pocket??Yes! That is my tooth! Which makes me think...didn't I get any money last time? Did she forget to take the tooth? Maybe I'll leave it in there tonight and see what happens.

BTW: Does anyone want to know how to do that burned edge in Photoshop Elements? I'll post about it if you do :)

Bloomsday Run!

Lindsay posted about it!

Kristie posted about it!

I need to post about it, too!

We did it!

Just a few blisters...

Just a few sore muscles...

More than a few smiles...

More than a fantastic memory.

This was my 5th Bloomsday Run
Each time I'm overwhelmed by the sheer mass of people.

Everyone is smiling.

Everyone seems friendly.

Nobody is a stranger.

We are all in it together.

Here we are....somewhere....look for Lindsay's pink tank top!

It's not the best shot but all 3 of us are in it.

Look right below the clock on the left.

(it may take forever to load)

Here are my results:

Finish Time: 1:56:27
Overall Place: 21,801 out of 42,697
Ran with a pace of 15:36 per mile
The average pace for 37-year-olds was 14:56
Placed 424th among people the same age
Placed 18th among people from Pendleton, OR
Placed 480th among people from the State of Oregon
Placed 1st among people with the same last name
Placed 11,029th among females
Placed 250th out of 504 among 37-year-old females

Home Run Day

My feet ache but my heart is full today.

Short List:
12 presentations in 3 hours
high heeled shoes
straightened hair
sweet music lessons
quiet birthday celebration
rice bowls
reading
waving to daddy
ice cream
drive in the country

Long List:

I had a great day at work, even though my feet hurt.

The girls both had good lessons.
We had my favorite L&L dinner (Ladies and Landon) which means rice bowls!
Ronda read books to the kiddos while they switched who sat on her lap every book.
A quick run to work let the girls see their daddy.
We drove to Baskin' Robins for ice cream finally using a gift certificate.
I took the scenic route home and heard comments like:
"Turn around, Mama, we are getting lost,"
"Your freaking me out,"
"You need to get us home in time for bed," and
"Are we still in Pendleton?"
We saw "a hundred and a trillion" pheasants on our drive.
The girls were so shocked when I rounded a corner and was on our street, they clapped with joy!

It was a simple, wonderful day! My heart is full.

Phone Talk

This is a conversation with my mom, it may be a bit editorialized....but the jist is there.

Mom: Your pajama post on your blog was really funny.
Me: Oh Mom, she was throwing such a fit that she even threatened to "sale" her pajamas if I didn't help her.
Mom: What?
Me: You know..."If nobody helps me I'm going to sale them!" Seriously Mom, how did I end up with two drama queens?
Mom: She reminds me of you. *snicker snicker*
Me: Oh!
Mom: Well...you know your saying, "I open my mouth and my mother comes out?"
Me: Uhhh....
Mom: Give the girls a hug for me. *snicker snicker* (maybe she wasn't snickering outside, but I know she was inside)

This is what I have been thinking since this conversation....Was I such a horrible child that I deserve two of me?

Spring Has Sprung

Spring has sprung, the grass is riz…

I wonder where the birdies is.

I wanted to find an inspirational poem, maybe one by Robert Frost...however, it just sounded corny. This is the one Spring poem I know, anybody want to share theirs?

It is Spring...so they say. It's been cold and windy all Spring Break. I should have heeded the "chance of rain" forecast Wednesday...I left the back of my Tahoe open and it was drenched on Thursday. I should have heeded the "chance of snow" forecast Thursday...I left the back of my Tahoe open to dry and it snowed inside.

We are all enjoying the break, even if it has been an indoors one. The girls have perfected the inside "fort" in the living room and "submarine" in the hallway. It brings back memories of us building forts with my Grandma's umbrellas, she had so many of them! We never got tired of doing that...and thank goodness she always let us. I wonder if we cleaned them up...I don't have any memory of that part so I'm guessing someone else did.

My best Easter memory is this: we always spent Easter Sunday in Helena with G&G Barrett and our cousins, Dawn and Molly. I hated (and I mean despised) Easter Egg hunts. I remember them being a free-for-all, with big girls knocking me down and stealing my eggs. On this particular Easter, I was hiding in the back apple tree in my Easter dress hoping to get out of the dreaded egg hunt.

I slipped!! Fell out! Hit my head on the tree trunk! And bit right through my tongue!

All of us kids walked to the park down the street and I spit blood out for about an hour before telling my parents what happened. Or maybe my sister told on me...I don't remember that either. Instead of having to attend the WWF of Easter Egg Hunts I got to get several stitches in my tongue! I have no regrets!

Do I take my girls to egg hunts? Yes, but they seem to be better regulated and divided by age group now. Maybe not...but they don't seem to be tortured by them as far as I can tell.

Happy Spring Everyone!